Burl reviews The Sin of Adam and Eve! (1968)

Ha ha, let there be Burl! Yes, it’s me, just plain Burl, here to review a Mexican picture dramatizing the story of Adam and Eve! It’s called The Sin of Adam and Eve, and quite naturally it spends a good deal of time on the parts before the great fruit-eating sin, when they didn’t wear any fig leaves at all! After the eating of the fruit – which doesn’t look like a terribly appealing viand, it must be said! – things move pretty quickly, because fig leaf shorts and the later accouterments we see are not what the customers paid their money to see!

So it’s your basic nudie flick! Ha ha, do I need to describe the plot? Well, after a Genesis dramatized through stock footage of erupting volcanoes and quaking landscapes, Adam is formed out of dust! He’s a burly fellow with a perpetually bewildered expression, and we see him wander about the Garden for some time, discovering such joys as swimming and shouting! Ha ha, truly a paradise!

Soon enough the Lord decides Adam needs a companion, and after a little rib surgery, Eve is formed! She’s a very comely lass, it must be said, and Adam shows her around the Garden for quite a while! The Lord points out the forbidden Tree of Knowledge and tells them it’s a no-no! But a snake is prowling around the premises and whispering to the not-too-swift-seeming Eve that she really ought to try some of this marvelous fruit – hey, she owes it to herself, and who is this Lord anyway to tell her what to do?

After many scenes in which Eve tries things like wearing an enormous flower on her head or showing off some pebbles, and Adam reveals himself to be an insensitive clod, the fruit is finally eaten! Then there’s the fig leaves, the casting-out (during which the pair lose one another for a while), and the separate wandering of the wastelands! Adam fights or flees from a whole series of animals, which also chase and eat one another – ha ha, no ASPCA on this set! – and eventually the pair are reunited!

Well, I guess the idea is that the picture has a sad ending – if only Eve had been able to resist the temptation, humans would have lived in a perfect, plentiful paradise and everything would be great, and there would be no war, no strife, no privation! But it seems like it could all have been avoided if only the Lord hadn’t put that tree there! Was it meant as some kind of test? If so, why? It makes the Lord seem kind of mean and dogmatic, at least as far as this picture explains things!

Anyway, it’s mostly a nice little movie with plenty of scenery to look at, ha ha! There’s no dialogue besides “Adam!” and “Eve!” shouted incessantly; but there’s plenty of narration! It’s mostly a curiosity: a Biblical picture with exploitation aplenty! It’s not the most thrilling thing ever made, but I enjoyed it in an obscure way, and I’m going to give The Sin of Adam and Eve two flaming swords!

Burl reviews Las Vegas Weekend! (1986)

Ka-ching, it’s Burl! Ha ha, yes, I’m here with a review of a weird little nerd comedy from the mid-80s, which most likely got the green light thanks to the success of Revenge of the Nerds! This one is called Las Vegas Weekend and it features a slobbering glasses nerd named Percy, who also happens to be a largely unsocialized computer wizard obsessed with his Wang! Ha ha, that joke is made so many times through the 83 minutes of this picture that you lose count, and it begins to feel like a verbal version of the time Sideshow Bob stepped on all those rakes!

Percy is a grad student at some Los Angeles college, and it seems he has developed a system of card-counting he figures would be perfect for Vegas! When his professor, played by Ray Dennis Steckler of all people – ha ha, you remember Rat Pfink A Boo Boo, I’m sure, and Wild Guitar and all those other great pictures he made! – gives him the boot from his institution, just as Venkman, Spengler and Stantz got it in Ghostbusters, Percy decides to try his luck in that desert gambling mecca! So the lady who has a crush on him lends him her car, and off he motors to Sin City!

Once there, Percy puts his system into action at the blackjack table, and he wins a bundle! This attracts the attentions of Ace and Louie, two goofy gamblers, or maybe criminals – it’s hard to tell! They seem modeled on the sort of hoods Dick Bakalyan used to play in those Disney science-wizard pictures! Ace is a short bald fellow, while Louie is a big dumb lug, mugging outrageously in a desperate, frenzied attempt to inject some measure of humour into every scene; but he might as well be trying for laughs by holding up a sign reading “funny!” Ha ha!

The rest goes as expected, though with all its pointless turns and reverses, it seems to take forever! Ha ha, it feels as long as Casino! It shares an excess of narration with that picture as well! Percy wins and wins, and gets a transformative makeover and succumbs to the temptations of the flesh! Then his erstwhile girlfriend shows up, and soon Percy’s blackjack system unravels! He loses all his winnings, outrages his ladyfriend, his friends desert him and soon he is wandering the Strip to the accompaniment of melancholy music several rungs down from the kind of thing that would have played in a John Hughes movie!

There is of course a logic-defying reunion between the two sometime-sweethearts, and then several more scenes of blackjack, which the movie hardly needed frankly, and then a big slot machine explodes! The end! Ha ha, if you can only watch five minutes of this movie, make it the last five! They’re great!

But you may as well watch the whole thing, because you’ll witness some very strange performances! Percy makes both a convincing nerd and a convincing rico suavé, which is pretty impressive – almost Jerry Lewisian! It’s certainly a more committed performance than I’d have expected, and comes off like a half-talented normal guy doing an Eddie Deezen impersonation! There are other familiar faces on board too, like Jace Damon from Hell Squad, Macka Foley from Ed, and of course Tamara Landry from Bikini Med School! Ha ha!

Now, I don’t usually like gambling pictures – I just don’t care much for scenes of people knowing they should hold 'em or fold 'em or walk away or run, but don't! This is why I’ve never seen California Split, The Gambler, Lost in America, ha ha! (I have seen Vegas Vacation though!) But in this movie it's more tolerable, because you don’t care one way or another which way it goes, and judging from that last scene, neither did the filmmakers! Ha ha, it’s got all this and an extended nerd lovemaking scene, so how can you go wrong! I'll tell you how – if it’s not very good, ha ha! I’ll give Las Vegas Weekend one and a half exploding slot machines!

Burl reviews Mutant! (1984)

Ha ha, can you conceive of it! A movie starring Bo Hopkins and Wings Hauser? Ha ha, sorry, Burl here! I almost forgot to introduce myself because I was so thrilled at the existence of such a pairing! (Mind you, it doesn’t touch my dream team cast, which would be Dick Miller and Harry Dean Stanton starring together as partners in crime of some sort, or maybe rivals in love a la Grumpy Old Men! Ha ha, they were both in The Long Ride Home, but not so much as a team!)

So Mutant has Bo and Wings, and after a lot of bickering they eventually do team up, sort of, to battle a terrible threat! The set-up is as follows: two brothers, Josh (Wings) and Mike, are for whatever reason driving through some dire Southern town when, uh oh, they run into a spot of bother with a truckful of rednecks! Now they’re stranded, and after some barfighting and a mysterious disappearance and many encounters with dyspeptic, dipsomaniacal sheriff Bo, it turns out the town has a toxic zombie problem, and the truck-drivin’ rednecks are among those responsible for this environmental outrage!

Ha ha, I’d seen this picture before, and remembered it as dull and dry and overlong and uneventful, and I think I’ve always slightly resented the misleadingly evocative, slightly H.R. Geiger-ish poster artwork! Of course the VHS box is much worse, adding a very Alien-looking monster which never appears in the movie!

No, it’s strictly a toxic zombie picture, along the line of movies like Warning Sign or Impulse, or even Nightmare at Noon, which also stars Bo Hopkins and Wings Hauser, ha ha! It's another movie directed by John ‘Bud’ Cardos, and once again, as with The Dark, ol’ ‘Bud’ is replacing a director who got canned from his position! Another strange occurrence is that the picture was originally called Night Shadows, a dull and nonsensical title (though apt considering the frequently dark photography, ha ha!), but was renamed Mutant only a year or two after Forbidden World, a movie that contains an alien very similar to the spurious one on the VHS box, had its name changed from its original Mutant – a change made on the grounds that no one would know what the word “mutant” meant!

Phew! Ha ha, I should write a book about it, or maybe about the mysterious disappearance of executive producer Edward L. Montero shortly after it was made! Well, maybe I won’t, but someone should! Anyway, to get back to the picture, watching it this time around I still found it overlong (it’s a hundred minutes or more!) and filled with too much bickering and too many scenes of skulking, but I also thought it was a little bit scary here and there, almost in spite of the rather flat direction from 'Bud'! And it gets intense on an almost a 28 Days Later level, at least in one scene in a school bathroom! (Ha ha, I didn’t like that scene, and felt very badly for the kid from Close Encounters!)

It also has more Special Makeup Effects than I’d thought of it as having! If they’d thought to include a little gore, it might now be thought of as an 80s Rubber Movie to rival The Power! But mostly it’s just some inflating hands and necks and heads as people toxify (which reminded me of the similar Alien Predators), and some pretty nifty yellow-goo stigmata! These scenes help balance out the dark dullness and some pretty horrendous acting from the main lady!

Mutant won’t be found on anyone’s list of favourites, but it scratches the itch if you feel like some 1980s smalltown horror! It could have used more pep and a few more lights in the climax (even a scene involving exploding molotov cocktails manages to be very dim, ha ha!), but I’m going to give this picture one and a half bottomless pits of toxic waste for several of the bad guys to fall into! Ha ha, take a gander!

Burl reviews Uncle Buck! (1989)

Hi, bananas! It’s Burl! Ha ha, I’m here to review a John Hughes picture I’d never seen before! I thought, ha ha, since I’ve enjoyed many of his other works, like Weird Science and so on, so forth, I should give this one a look too! Plus it has John “Armed & Dangerous” Candy as the titular avunculus, so hey, why not!

The important thing in setting up a high concept late-80s comedy like this is establishing the situation, however unlikely it might be! We have a family, and a well-to-do one it is from the look of their giant house! Presumably they live in Shermer, the same Chicago suburb wherein dwell Ferris Bueller, the Breakfast Club gang, the lady from Sixteen Candles and so forth!

But, ha ha, they have a problem! More of an inconvenience, really! The spectacularly unphotogenic mother’s father is ill, and they must go to whatever Midwestern backwater he lives in to offer succor, and for some reason both parents must make this trip, and for some other reason the teenage daughter can’t be relied on to provide care for the two younger children (quite reasonable, actually); and for some other reason entirely, adequate care cannot be found! Enter Uncle Buck, who’s meant to be a family black sheep but in reality is a dogmatic moralist who might give the sternest Puritan a run for his money!

The teenage daughter is a grim specimen indeed: she’s perpetually angry for no particular reason, much like the sister in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and she’s rude to poor Uncle Buck and mean to her little brother, who’s played by the kid from those Home Alone pictures! Macauley Conklin is his name!

Meanwhile Uncle Buck has his own problems, which revolve around his ladyfriend, Amy “Streets of Fire” Madigan! Ha ha, when will this oversized manchild finally grow up? It’s the dynamic we see in so many 1980s comedy pictures! But here, as wonderful as John Candy is – and he has many great moments – he never really convinces as a dyspeptic layabout! Ha ha, he’s just too upright of a fellow!

There’s not much of a plot here, and few jokes that are funny, and not much that sticks in the memory! For the first half of the thing, such was its polytetrafluoroethylene character that I wasn’t sure whether or not I'd even seen it before! It turns out I had not! And now that I have, I think there remains only one or two Hughes-directed pictures I haven’t watched, and at least one of them concerns a little girl and a grumpy TV star! Ha ha, I won’t be rushing out to find that one, I don’t think!

The picture has a few endearing cameos, principally that of Mike Starr, well known from The Money Pit and Funny Farm, in the role of Pooter the Clown! But beyond that, a good heart, and a few funny bits, there’s not much to recommend it! I watched it more out of a sense of obligation, as well as the Everestian “because it was there!” (Ha ha, I got it as part of a bulk VHS pawn shop score!) So on balance, and after much serious consideration, I’m going to give Uncle Buck one and a half giant pancakes!

Burl reviews Extreme Prejudice! (1987)

Budda-budda-budda, bang, bing pip-pip-pip twa-a-a-ang, it’s Burl! Ha ha, those firearm sounds signal that I have another popgun action picture to review for you today! The movie is called Extreme Prejudice, and it’s the age-old chestnut of two pals who grow apart, battle over a lady and end up on opposite sides of the law!

Nick Nolte plays Jack Benteen, which I suppose is meant to be a tough-guy name but sounds to me more like a mass-market unguent! His great friend-nemesis is, ha ha, “Cash Bailey,” played by Powers Booth! It’s great to have a guy with a name that isn’t a name played by another guy with a name that isn’t a name, ha ha! Anyway, Jack and Cash both like the same lady, Maria Conchita Alonso, whom we know from Fear City and The Running Man! Also, Jack is a Texas Ranger and Cash is a big-time dealer of mind drugs!

But there’s more! First we have Rip Torn, known for movies like Payday and Tropic of Cancer and Summer Rental, and for putting a punching on Norman Mailer, as Jack’s tough sheriff buddy; and then there’s also a mysterious gang of hard cases who are apparently government spooks on some kind of mission! It’s a real gallery of gumboots here: we have their leader, Michael “Total Recall” Ironside; we have Clancy Brown from The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai and Highlander; William Forsythe from The Substitute; Tiny Lister from Blue City and Armed & Dangerous, and others!

All of these fellows act out their tough-guy routines in the Texas desert There’s a bank robbery which is meant as cover activity for the paramilitary chums, and there’s plenty of gunfire and large holes being blasted in people! Ha ha, all this mayhem is orchestrated with great competence by Walter “Brewster’s Millions and Streets of Fire” Hill, who quite obviously watched The Wild Bunch the night before filming began on this baby! Why, he might even have watched it twice – just look at what Cash does to that scorpion!

This is one of those pictures which entertain reasonably well while they’re on, but fade from the memory very quickly afterward! It’s very professionally made, but if there’s anything worthy of note about it, it’s that cast! Nick Nolte is a growly old bear, of course, and old Powers plays a bad guy every bit as well as he does in Sudden Death, which is saying something! Ironside and his gang get lots of good moments too!

But in the end there’s just not much to it! If this is the sort of thing you want to watch, then this is the sort of thing you’ll want to watch, ha ha! It’s unexceptional 80s action, but it does have a very warm-weather desert atmosphere to it, so it makes for good winter viewing, especially in such a brutal winter as many of us are experiencing this year! So that gives it an extra nudge in my unique ratings system, and in the end I’m going to give Extreme Prejudice two unfortunate scorpions!

Burl reviews Pompeii! (2014)

Well met, stranger, it’s Burl, here to review a new sword & sandal spectacular, and a volcano picture to boot! Ha ha, I always enjoy a volcano picture, and if I can – as I did with Dante’s Peak and Volcano – I try to see them on the big screen! (Sadly, or perhaps happily, I had to settle for a VHS viewing of fine pictures like When Time Ran Out and Melody in Love!)

So that is why I recently found myself at a movie theater settling in to see Pompeii! Ha ha, I figured that, coming from the fellow who made Soldier and Event Horizon, it would be a very pulpy and at least moderately entertaining concoction, and I wasn’t far wrong! It features a story in which almost every single occurrence and plot turn – or ‘beat,’ to use the vernacular – is infallibly predictable; characters who do exactly what is expected of him or her; and a visual scheme, which is to say muddy and CGI-heavy 3D, that will surprise no one!

After a prologue in Britannia, the action moves to Italy, where the movie spends a good deal of time setting up the conflicts! We have our taciturn hero, Milo, a gladiator-slave, and his cage-mate Atticus, with whom he enjoys a relationship quite similar to that between Kirk Douglas and Woody Strode in Spartacus! There are cruel overseers and merchants, also straight from Spartacus, but without one ounce of the louche, epicene charm found in the performances of Peter Ustinov and Charles Laughton!

We have the rich family, generally goodhearted folks played by Jared Harris from The Ward and Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, Carrie-Anne Moss from those Matrix pictures, and Emily Browning from Ghost Ship as Cassia, the daughter! And of course we have the nasty Romans, headed by Kiefer “Stand By Me” Sutherland! Ha ha, Kiefer has fallen for Cassia just as Laurence Olivier once fell for Jean Simmons, though he shows no indication of preferring oysters to snails or vice versa!

All of this trundles along for a while, with the occasional earth tremor or ominous tilt up to Vesuvius to remind us that this is, or will eventually become, a volcano picture! But for long stretches it feels like any old 1960s peplum, and that, I think, is the aspect I enjoyed the most! Ha ha, it felt like I’d gone back in time to a point at which one could go see Demetrius and the Gladiators or Hercules in the Haunted World at your local cinema!

Then the volcano pops and for the rest of the picture we have spewing ash and lava bombs and all manner of PG-13 destruction! Ha ha, there’s some thrills to be had here, but all the clichés of historical spectacle, the constant, goofy anachronism and the rote romance conspire to keep us at arms’ length from everything, and preclude any real involvement in the drama!

I wish the picture was even sillier than it actually is, and that it was better able to transcend the restrictions of its PG rating, but it still fits pretty well into the “expensive B-picture pulp movie” category! Still, in the end it’s just not very good, and almost all the enjoyment I got out of it came from what I myself had brought in! I’m going to give Pompeii one and a half lava bombs, which is an infinitesimal fraction of the number we see in the movie! Ha ha!

Burl reviews The Last Married Couple in America! (1980)

Ha ha, Burl here, with exciting news to report! I may have stumbled across the fount of my small, sporadic interest in middlebrow adult comedy-dramas from the late 1970s and early 80s! You know, It’s My Turn, Fastbreak and the like! Anyway, this one’s a doozy, and I remember seeing it on TV when I was young, and being strangely intrigued!

Partially this was simply because I was fascinated by Richard Benjamin, who looked, talked and acted just like a friend of my parents’, a guy named Bill! Nice fellow! Anyway, yes, Richard Benjamin, who of course directed The Money Pit and many others, is in this picture, and is easily the best thing in it or at least the funniest!

George Segal, well known from Stick, and Natalie Wood of Brainstorm take on the roles of Jeff and Mari, a married couple who play an extremely informal brand of foot-ball with their friends every week! Well, the foot-ball pals get whittled down as the other couples all split up or separate in some fashion, sometimes recoupling in unusual ways! Ha ha, and when Jeff and Mari start feeling like the last married couple in all of America, they start acting weird, like when George Segal has a one night stand with Rhoda!

In the meanwhile Richard Benjamin’s character Marv is getting a divorce, and poor Marv is unraveling his way through the c.1980 singles scene! Ha ha, the dialogue isn’t all that funny, but Benjamin's delivery does remarkable wonders! Less funny but not un-entertaining is Dom DeLuise, who plays a part-time plumber with, ha ha, other interests! And there are others, like Allan Arbus, known from The Christian Licorice Store, who is also something of an unlikely swinger, and Bob “The Big Bus” Dishy, and Pricilla Barnes from Lords of the Deep! Ha ha!

Ha ha, in spite of the script having been written by John Shaner, who played one of the layabout beatniks in the original A Bucket of Blood, it’s not very good! The picture starts off with sitcom-y, but still recognizably human, behavior, and then slides into a whole mess o’ unlikelihoods an’ proposterousnesses! The early part of the picture, where the couples are breaking up one-by-one style in what seems some manner of marital slasher scenario, is the most interesting and relevant part; but by the time Dom DeLuise has invaded the couple’s house to host a crazy swinger birthday party (ha ha, with the kids in the next room the whole time, it turns out!), nothing means nothing anymore, despite the compelling presence of a giant man-sized prostitute in a weird backless outfit!

I remember being very interested in Jeff and Mari’s plant-filled, open-concept SoCal house, and it was as good as ever, even with sculptress Mari’s blobby work-in-progress sitting in the middle of it! (Ha ha, she’s about as talented an artist as Walter Paisley!) And even if the picture as a whole has almost no relation to reality, it’s a pretty good time capsule of the era! But otherwise it’s a pretty bland concoction, although you can tell it tries to be, and believes itself to be, bold and daring! It seems more like one of those Rock-and-Doris pictures with all the charm hoovered out and smarmy, sniggering jokes stuffed in its place! But if the form interests you as much as it does me, you should go ahead and give it a watch; just be warned that it’s a pretty poor ungarian! I give The Last Married Couple in America one and a half fur coats with nothing on underneath!

Burl reviews Truck Turner! (1974)

Ha ha, how ya doin’, it’s Burl! Yes, I’m here to review another picture, and this one is a fine blaction drama by the name of Truck Turner! It’s a real rootin’ tootin’ shoot-em-up, made with conviction and a heck of a cast!

After getting such acclaim for his musical work on Shaft, I guess Isaac Hayes thought “The heck is Richard Roundtree anyway with that jive-ass candybar name and that elegant turkey talk! Ha ha, why is it not I up on screen!” To which no one said “Fool, you cray!”

I think Isaac’s debut film worked out perfectly well! He plays Truck, by reputation the toughest football-player-turned-bail-bondsman in town! He has a real hullaballoo on his hands, running after a terrible pimp he’s been sent to catch by none other than Dick “The Long Ride Home” Miller, fighting some fools in a bar who end up with busted heads and broken jaws, road-racing to beat the band, and plenty of biffing and banging about! In the end he gets the pimp, but he has two all-new enemies: Harvard Blue, a pimp played by the great Yaphet Kotto, and a madame played by Uhura! (There are a few moments where you wonder “Ha ha, why was this woman not played by Pam Grier,” but they pass, and certainly Uhura – that is to say, Nichelle “The Supernaturals” Nichols – does a fine job in the role!

Anyway, there’s a lot more exploding squib action before, and during, the hospital-set climax and the poolside denouement! And it’s all managed very well by director Jonathan Kaplan, who made Over the Edge and of course Night Call Nurses! Ha ha, all sorts of other fine actors show up too, like Scatman “The Shining” Crothers, Sam “Get Crazy” Laws and of course Charles “The Fog” Cyphers as a miserable drunk! In the middle of all this thespian power stands Isaac Hayes, a man alone just doing his thing, and he does a marvelous job!

There are plenty of wonderful touches in the picture, both in the script and in the execution, and plenty of terrific action; and it’s altogether one of the finest photoplays in the entire Blaxploitation cycle! And on top of it all you get Dick Miller, which is always momentous! I don’t have a whole lot more to say about Truck Turner except that I give it three Fort Knoxes in panties, and urge you to see it post-haste! You’ll enjoy yourself, ha ha!

Burl reviews Spring Break! (1983)

Hi, Burl here, in the company of some Lauderdale Ladies, to review for you one of the top beach pictures of the first half of 1983, Spring Break! Ha ha, like Spring Breakers, which I recently watched, this picture tells of four non-Floridians who arrive on the beaches of that strange and venerable state for the spring break week, and contains many shots of b*kini-clad ladies! But, ha ha, there the resemblance ends!

An odd thing about this picture is that it comes courtesy of Sean Cunningham, the director of Friday the 13th! It’s a remarkable change of pace, sure, but there are similarities as well, like the presence of so many young people, some dumb dialogue and unlikely situations, and of course the score by Harry Manfrancini! You can rest assured there are some screaming shock violins, ha ha!

Oh, you were hoping for a synopsis? Well, there are two nerds, Nelson and Adam, played by David Knell from Total Recall (can’t say I remember him in that, ha ha!) and Perry Lang from Teen Lust and Alligator, who arrive in Fort Lauderdale with the intention of having a good time! Nelson is on the lam from his nasty politician stepfather, played by Donald “Wolfen” Symington, so he’s a bit nervous! But it turns out the room they’ve booked has also been booked by O.T. Blastem and his pal Stu, a couple of New York sharpies! Ha ha, what a confusion!

But this is a movie on the mellow side, so the conflict is resolved with a minimum of hassle! Soon the four vacationers have formed a team, with O.T. and Stu helping their nerdly counterparts learn how to have a grand old time! There are little romances set a-brewing, and between these there are contests of various kinds, including bellyflop, teeny-bikini, banana-eating and wet T-shirt! (I’ll leave you to discover in which of these competitions a fellow named “Crazy Gut-Gut” takes part!) And the plot elements finally come to the fore when Nelson’s stepdad has his henchmen kidnap the lad and imprison him on the boat! Meanwhile the hotel, run by a kindly lady and staffed exclusively by a guy named Eesh (who was also in Fear City, which is why he looked familiar to me), is in danger of being bought out by that very same stepdad! A bit of a coincidence, but no biggie, man!

Of course, with the help of the spring break partycrew, some cream pies and a few Millers, everything works out! The hotel is saved and the stepdad’s life and career are ruined! This seems only just! Then everybody kisses and says goodbye – perhaps only until next year!

Ha ha, this is a pretty enjoyable picture in its way, and it certainly lives up to its own modest ambitions! The casting is about perfect, especially with the nerds – and I was astonished to see that one of the nerds, Adam I think, looked, walked and talked just like Bruce Allenby! Ha ha, it’s true! There are actually a few pretty good songs on the soundtrack, which was amazing (ha ha, NRBQ is always welcome!) and plenty of great 1980s stuff to look at!

I cannot, won’t and will not make a case that this is a top-flight picture, and there are probably even better 80s beach pictures out there! But when this one is right, it’s right, so I’m going to give Spring Break two and a half crazy gut-guts and a big bellyflop splash!

Burl reviews Spring Breakers! (2012)

Ah ha ha, it’s Burl, here to review a movie about some ladies! Yes, these ladies are headed down to Florida for spring break, but this isn’t Where The Girls Are, or even Where The Girls Are ’84! It’s not even Spring Break! No, the picture in question is called Spring Breakers, and it comes straight from the director of Gummo! Yes, that director is Harmony Korine, who of course appeared recently in Stoker!

I remember seeing Gummo at a film festival and really enjoying it! And naturally I’m a big fan of Spring Break, so I thought this combination of elements was a no-miss situation, ha ha!

The picture features many shots of bikini ladies and their male counterparts! There’s a lot of rambunctious shenanigans depicted, and then we get the beginnings of a story: four ladies attending a small-town college decide that a jaunt to Florida is simply a must! But, ha ha, their funding is substandard, so three of them do a violence crime, then it’s off to the Dangleberry State, bikinis packed!

Once there, it’s partytime! Ha ha, there are all sorts of montages that are maybe meant to look fun, or maybe meant to look boring while dressed in the raiment of fun; and if that latter option is the case, then well done Mr. Korine! The ladies get into some trouble with mind drugs, and the next thing you know they’ve been slapped in the pokey, skimpy bikinis and all!

Next thing you know, the ladies are bailed out by James Franco from Rise of the Planet of the Apes! He’s essentially playing himself in the picture, and I think his character may even have been named James Franco, which is frequently the case with this actor, I believe! James Franco here sports many ugly tattoos and a hideous silver grill, and he owns many firearms! The ladies have different tolerance levels for James Franco and his lifestyle, and first one leaves the scene, and then, after being shot in the arm, another one is on her way home! That leaves two ladies left for a most unlikely climax!

Ha ha, I really liked the idea that the ladies would leave at just the point they felt they’d had too much! It was certainly the most realistic aspect of the movie! Otherwise there’s not all that much to grasp on to, ha ha, in the picture! There’s lots of pretty ladies in itty-bitty teeny-weenie, though not polka-dot, bikinis, it is true, and plenty of stylish visuals thanks to the grand cinematography of Benoit Debie, and there’s an entertaining performance by the actor who played James Franco! I would probably have appreciated more what Harmony Korine was doing had I been familiar with the goody-two-shoes past credits of at least two of the young ladies, for whom this picture apparently represented a wholesale change of pace! So there’s a whole meditation on the parallels between American celebrity and American life running through the picture, I suppose, or something of that nature, but ol’ Burl hasn’t watched enough contemporary tween-age TV to pick up on it I guess! Ha ha!

So as a result, for me, Spring Breakers was spottily amusing, consistently nice to look at (ha ha!) and ultimately pretty empty! I’m going to give it two dollar sign hubcaps and a hearty ha ha, and off I go to watch the true granddaddy of the form, Spring Break!