Budda-budda-budda it’s Burl, here to review
one of the many commando girl movies they made in the 70s and 80s! You’ve got The Muthers, Commando Girls, Cover Girl
Models, your Andy Sidaris epics, and then this one, among the liveliest and
most goofy of the bunch, Hell Squad!
(It’s commonly referred to as a 1986 picture, but the copyright date on it is
1984, which makes more sense! Ha ha, it looks like it came from 1974, frankly!)
It begins, of course, with a nuclear
explosion, and then we see two scientists in hazmat suits looking over a bunch
of empty animal shackles and marveling at the horses, cows and elephants that
have been atomized with their special new Super-Neutron bomb! Somewhere in the
Middle East, the son of a mustachioed American diplomat complains about the
shaky ethics of a bomb that will dissolve livestock and people, but leave
buildings standing and papers un-singed!
Well, soon enough the ambassador’s son is
kidnapped by the sort of Arabs you used to see on the Carol Burnett show! Ha
ha! But the ambassador’s assistant (“And I’m also your friend,” says he) comes
up with a plan: take a Las Vegas kickline, spend ten days training them them as
commandos, then simply have them rescue the ambassador’s son! Ha ha, it’s a
devilishly elegant scheme! The boss of the showgirl army, Jan, accepts the
assignment, but warns her girls that to successfully complete the job “it’ll
take more than some T&A - it’ll be tough and dangerous!”
After some training, in which the girls
scoot through a tunnel, jump a little pond and climb a plywood wall, the movie
then settles into a series of scenes in which they alternate between taking
group baths and slaughtering random gangs of Arabic peoples, based on
anonymous phone calls they receive in their luxurious hotel room! They
themselves get kidnapped, but escape and make it back to their room for another
bubble bath!
Ha ha, this picture is full of crazy stuff,
just enough to qualify it as a Ridiculous Action movie! We see the generic
Arabs at leisure, speaking to each other in all-caps subtitles: HERE IS A NEW
JOKE: WHAT DID THE ELEPHANT SAY TO THE NAKED MAN? Ha ha! The diplomat loses his
mustache halfway through, but this is never acknowledged! The ambassador’s son’s
only company in his dungeon is a dead Ponk-boy chained to the wall - a Ponk-boy who also appeared in Hide and Go Shriek! And the
Scooby-Doo twist at the end involves a rubberized mask and a lot of retroactive
questions vis-à-vis the never-ending stream of bubble baths all the girls took
together!
It’s a cheerfully goofy picture, with the
girls untroubled by all the human lives they take, and only mildly troubled
when they learn that most of the people they killed were perfectly innocent! Ha
ha, why worry when there are bubble baths to take! It’s a dumb movie, dumb as a
box of dead crabs, and could maybe use a little more pep here and there, but
for the most part it’ll entertain you while it’s on! Ha ha, I give Hell Squad two atomized horses!
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