Ha ha!

You certainly never know what movie he'll review next!

Thursday, 2 May 2013

Burl reviews Hollywood High! (1976)



Hi, Burl here to review a Teen S*x Comedy! Ha ha, I remember being thrilled driving past Hollywood High on my first visit to Los Angeles, which after all was the alma mater for movie stars from Judy Garland to Lon Chaney Jr. to Alan Hale Jr! And the whole concept of a “Hollywood High” seemed both unreal and deeply enviable to someone who’d suffered through three years at a boring old regular high school!
Was an even suntan or a wickedly-painted boogie van good for extra credit at Hollywood High? Ha ha, did the students go on field trips to the movie studios and the beach? This truly must have been a unique and exemplary place to get an education, and what better way to get the real story than to watch a movie called Hollywood High!
The movie began just like any old cheerleader or carhop movie, with four girls driving around in a convertible yammering inanities; and ha ha, I have to admit my heart sank a little! But I kept watching! Beer helped (real beer, not the water the characters in this movie drink!), as did the fact that the four ladies – Jan, Candy, Monica and an especially dumb one named Bebe – made their way immediately to the beach to splash around in the surf for minutes on end, clad in the teeny-weeniest string bikinis the mid-70s had to offer! They meet an irritating Mexican st*ner stereotype named Frasier Mendoza, and together they all smoke some p*t, in a scene with all the solemnity, but none of the consequences, of an After-School Special! Then everybody dances!
Eventually some boyfriends show up, and one of them is called “The Fenz,” and he spends a good deal of time saying “Ayyy!” and “Fenz needs another beer!” and “There can be only one Fenz!” The girls’ adventures involve trying to find a private place to make l*ve with their fellas; orbiting about this stunted spine are encounters with a midget garage mechanic called Big Dick (shades of Malibu Hot Summer!) and a sassy old movie star named June East; classroom scenes with the ├╝ber-flamboyant Greek History teacher Mr. Flowers or the h*rny French instructress Miss Crotch; a food fight; and multiple run-ins with a cop! When the cop’s interference becomes too much to bear, they spray him with whipping cream, stuff a banana in his mouth and pickles up his nose, and break a watermelon over his head! Then they pants him, and he turns out to be wearing garters and runs away in fast motion! Ha ha! After that, it’s back to June East’s mansion in the hills, where first The Fenz and then the rest of the boys are treated to a marathon session of geriatric l*vemaking! The whole saga ends with the girls running around t*pless, then turning to the camera and saying, in succession, “This” “Is” “The” “End!”

Ha ha, but even with all of this going on, Hollywood High is a particularly dull and boring 70s Teen S*x Comedy, and it didn’t even provide much insight into what going to Hollywood High in that era was really like! It was the only movie ever directed by the late, legendary Patrick Wright, the actor so familiar from pictures like If You Don’t Stop It… You’ll Go Blind! and Roller Boogie, so for that reason it has some real curiosity value! There’s also a sequel, which I might review for you some time soon! But for now, I’ll just have to give Hollywood High one hydraulic car lift!

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