Burl reviews If You Don't Stop It... You'll Go Blind!!! (1975)

Ha ha, do you like ribald jokes? Do you enjoy funny stories involving ladies with no clothes on? Do you enjoy outrageous arcana of the 1970s? Then you may very well want to see If You Don’t Stop It… You’ll Go Blind!!!

I remember seeing the video box cover to the sequel of this one way back when I was a youngster! It was called Can I Do It… ‘Till I Need Glasses?, and I was never quite sure what that title was supposed to mean! Well now, after all these years, I’ve put two and two together!

I’ve still never seen the sequel, but I can tell you about the first one! It’s a series of skits which dramatize sexual jokes through the ages! They’re enacted by a large cast of generally game actors, only two of whom I recognized: Patrick Wright and the famous Swedish bombshell Uschi Digard! Some of the skits are pretty funny, and some of them – the musical ones, generally – go on quite a bit longer than maybe they should! The skit involving Omar the Sex Machine and another one about a sexual awards show are two of the more overlong non-song segments! There’s lots of nudity, and it all wraps up with a song-and-dance number called “Don’t Fuck Around With Love!”

All of these gags are shot in rich low-budget style against sets which range from dime-store to rather impressive! There’s a little more production value to this thing than you might think, and the commitment to the premise is admirably followed through! Ha ha, the logistics of marshalling all those actors on a penny-poor budget must have been quite complex!

And speaking of the cast, I want to talk about Patrick Wright for just a moment! This rarely-mentioned thespian was a burly, hillbilly-looking fellow who somehow got a foot in the door of exploitation movies and did all the sleazeball parts you can imagine! He was in several Russ Meyer pictures, appeared in the seminal cheerleader picture The Cheerleaders, played Pa in Sassy Sue, took the role of Eduardo in The Amorous Adventures of Don Quixote and Sancho Panza, was the busy-fingered policeman in Revenge of the Cheerleaders, and showed up in films as diverse as Hollywood High, Track of the Moon Beast, Roller Boogie and Graduation Day! He often played a cop or a redneck of some description, and usually interacted with nude ladies! Ha ha, that's quite a career, and he was a good complement to the great George “Buck” Flower – hey, I wonder if they ever acted together in the same movie? They would have made a fantastic team, perhaps as two detectives solving erotic mysteries! Ha ha!

Anyway, it’s hard to properly critique a movie like If You Don’t Stop It… You’ll Go Blind!!!, so I’ll just say that you’ll either like it or you won’t, and I’ll award it two freshly-lacquered toilet seats!